


You’re In My Spot

by ChloboShoka



Category: Little Britain, The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, post-covid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29787393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloboShoka/pseuds/ChloboShoka
Summary: Sheldon Cooper is not happy when one of Raj’s ex-girlfriends takes his spot in a local library. An argument ensures.
Kudos: 1





	You’re In My Spot

Marching past endless bookshelves and round tables with overworked laptops and under-appreciated students, Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper's pleasant mode came to a sudden halt. A woman in a pink jacket was sitting in his favourite seat in the library. The waft of cheap perfume overwhelmed his nostrils. The plastic seat appeared to be struggling from the woman's weight. Oh Lord, he said to himself, please don't be Vicky Pollard. "Excuse me, you're in my spot!"

"You see that?" Vicky shouted out, flapping her arms in the air. "He's like totally trying to chat me up!"

Sheldon breathed a sigh of relief that nobody was watching. At least it was less of an embarrassment. "I have a wife, thank you very much."

"Yeah whatever!" Vicky shook her shoulders. "If you fancy me, just say so!"

"We are not compatible in any way whatsoever. You do nothing but infuriate me."

"Infi-what?"

Sheldon crossed his arms when she turned his face. Repulsed by her zits and cleavage, he was drawn aback by her bare face. "Why are you not wearing a mask?" he muttered.

"Oh my god! Shut up! I ain't even nothing or nothing. You're like well trying to stir everything up. Anyway shut up! Stop getting involved. If anyone needs to wear a mask it's Penny Hofstadter. She's such an ugly bitch. Everyone knows she licking out Rotenkowski when their husbands go to Comic Con."

"That is not true."

Vicky shook her head. "OH MY GOD I SO CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID. IT'S LIKE TOTALLY TRUE. STOP GETTING INVOLVED. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST GO ON OR ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN OR WATTPAD OR SOMETHING OR NOTHING. THERE'S PICTURES EVERYWHERE."

Hovering over Vicky, Sheldon clenched his fists. Society taught him it was wrong to slap a woman, and it was wrong to fight in a public library, but there were exceptions. "If I could kill you, I would. Fortunatly for you, it's illegal in the United States of America. It’s also socially unacceptable for a man to hit a woman even if the woman is an abomination of chromosomes. Now get out of my seat, please?"

Vicky pushed him. "Oh my god, that is so unfair. You're well out of order. You're well going to beaten because Nintendo released John Phoenix: Ace Attorney for the X Box 69 or something or nothing and it was totally amazing. I used to play it all the time until my ex-boyfriend Ijizzin MiPants like borrowed it and never gave it back. I totally had his babies, but I can’t prove it cause it came out black."

Sheldon listened to Vicky's rambles, but all he could get out of it was a headache. He had met many people with an IQ lower than him, but he had never met someone he knew for sure had an IQ lower than ten. Vicky Pollard didn't even seem like the type of person who would come to a library. She didn't even have any books by her. The only logical reason Sheldon could conclude was that Vicky was on the run, and the last person they'd think to find her was in the library. To this day, he had no idea what Raj saw in her. "That doesn't explain why you're not wearing a mask."

"Yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but what is was right, this whole thing just happened that I didn't even know nothing about because I went on X Factor. I did really well cause I got through to the last 100,00 and everything."

Sheldon got up. He would not move until the situation was sorted. This was his seat and nobody will ever take it away from him. Her ignorance towards the rules may work in his favour. "In other words, you can't be bothered?"

"Yeah, but, no, but yeah, I've had six kids by seven different men."

"Vicky, let me tell you that is practically to get pregnant six times by seven different times because..."

"No Sheldon!" Vicky interrupted, before he got a chance to explain basic sex anatomy. "You can only get pregnant by sitting in someone's bathwater. There was one time I had Simon Cowell’s babies but I can’t prove it because it came out black.”

“I’m not sure if you know the difference between feces and a foetus...”

“OH MY GOD, I SO CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT! I TOTALLY DO. I SWAPPED ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS FOR A WESTLIFE CD AND I SOLD THE REST OF THEM TO THIS AUSTRIAN POP-STAR CALLED BRUNO. AND HE’S LIKE WELL FAMOUS GOT IS OWN MOVIE AND EVERYTHING. I REALLY WANTED TO DO IT WITH HIM CAUSE HE’S LIKE SO FIT BUT HE’S GAY. THERE’S A CHARACTER IN THE POKÉMON GAMES NAMBED AFTER HIM AND EVERYTHING. HE DIDN’T SHAG ME, BUT HE ADOPTED ALL MY KIDS AND GAVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS. DON'T GO GIVING ME EVILS! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER ON BENEFITS OR SOMETHING OR NOTHING."

“That’s why I don’t have any!” Sheldon smirked the moment Vicky dropped her mouth. "Right, I'm getting enforcement involved!"

"OH MY GOD THIS IS SO UNFAIR! TOYA GOT A COUNCIL HOUSE, 3 KIDS, AND A WIFE AND SHE’S ONLY 19. ANYWAY DON’T LISTEN TO HER SHE’S A SLAG!"

A librarian charged towards her. "Please keep the noise down and please put your mask on."

"I burned it cause I don't even need it!" Vicky roared as she did a strip tease, rubbing herself against the table and the desk. There were many places Vicky Pollard should be in, a sacred library wasn't one of them.

"You need to leave before we call security."

"DON'T WORRY I'M GOING!" Vicky stood up, collecting all her stuff. "This place is RUBBISH!"

"Give us a moment, Dr. Cooper," the librarian said, "let me sanitise the chair."


End file.
